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Fat Advantage

By admin | March 12, 2008

Being fat has it’s advantages…Just look at this picture.

Fat Guy Relaxing

Food is one of the best things in life especially the type of food fat people love to eat. When they’re hungry, they don’t just crave any kind of food…they crave the best. The fried food. Fat people are hooked on this stuff. The KFCs, the McDs, the Burger joints, TGI Fridays… these places are the place to be if you’re fat and hungry and many cases not hungry at all.

Photo: Thomas Tringale

Fat hearts love their choice of meals. When they’re sitting in front of it, they don’t just jump in and start eating. They want to make sure there is some foreplay with their food of choice. They stare at it lovingly with some guilt. They sit around their meal, adjust their drinks and napkins, making sure every freaking thing on the table is perfectly aligned. They care about their food, they make sure it’s well pampered with 20 different kinds of sauces before taking a single bite.

This is indeed true love for the food. The normal skinny people would just munch on a piece of leaf or a piece of old broccoli but not the fat person. You see, being fat increases your desire to eat the best tasting food out there because only fatty food taste good. Why settle for something so called “healthy” and disappoint your taste buds? If our body didn’t like the best tasting food, then how is it that deep fried chicken or shrimp taste so damn delicious!

Fat Guy Eating

Have you noticed the difference between fat chefs and skinny chefs on TV? Let me enlighten you in case you haven’t paid close attention to how they treat the food. Next time you watch Food Network, watch closely the fat chefs specially. Zoom into their eyeballs, you’ll notice the fire in their eyes. Their eyeballs streaming with love, their cheeks are red and glowing. He does not want to share that delicious food he’s making with anyone but rather he wants it all by himself.

There is a KFC near my house and the smell is so powerful. I occasionally go to there not for hope of getting a snacker but to get something that’ll sink inside me forever. I can’t just settle with a snack box or lunch box or dinner box, I must get the special. The one that has 50 pieces of chicken, 24 biscuits, and 16 different large side orders (Potato wedges!!! I LOVE YOU!!!). I always patiently wait for my food even though I feel like jumping over the counter and biting everything in my sight.

Anyway, I fool the other people in KFC, I don’t let anyone know my urge to eat violently, I am so clever. I don’t let anyone know that I’m so anxious waiting for my meal. While I wait, I take hundreds of ketchup and hot sauce packets and overload my pockets with extra napkins. When my meal is served, of course to go, I ask for 200 honey mustards and all kinds of other sauces from behind the counter. Then before I leave, I whisper to the cashier that the gang is waiting and they love their chicken.

Healthy Fat Guy

Little to they know! I am the gang, I am 25 people crammed into one. The gang consist of my big fat stomach, my amazingly large strong thighs, chest and over sized teeth. I get depressed when I think about how I look sometimes. But then the smell of KFC brings me back to reality.

Photo: JasonKotey

I love fast food, they’re like Prozac to me. Fast food is better than Prozac or any kind of depression medication out there! Fast food is comfort to my mind, it’s like crack and marijuana and Prozac all in one. These drugs would never comfort me as much as the delicious greasy chicken wings would. They’re so soothing when you’re bored and you don’t even have to be hungry.

Awww yes.

Topics: General | 2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Fat Advantage”

  1. Jerry Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 9:18 am

    It’s very tough to argue about this. Thin people or people who wish us to be thin would be more than happy to point out all sorts of health risks involved with being overweight. BMI this and cholesterol that however for some people it’s a badge of honor.

    I’m a pastry chef myself and just in a teaspoon of this and a teaspoon of that worth of tasting throughout the day is easily 1200 to 1500 calories. Not to mention the normal 3 meals of the day. However no one can deny the fact that at my place of business the pastry chefs are by far the happiest and jovial of all the employees and we routinely have waitstaff and other chefs upstairs who will stay in the bakeshop for a few minutes to enjoy the zenlike quality of fresh bread, delicious pastries and the peace and serenity that comes from loving what you do.

  2. Not a Fat Ass Says:
    January 11th, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    This article was depressing as fuck! Who orders that much chicken for themselves?!